Communicate like a Senior: Phrases used by the best leaders
Build relationships, become more influential, and solve complex problems
For 27 years of my life, I considered myself awkward. Oh wait, that’s still today 🤦♂️.
When I started my career, I struggled with communication a lot. I spoke like someone that just graduated college—because I did. I didn’t know how to build relationships effectively, call out problems, or collaborate well.
I did my best, but it’s taken me years of observing the best communicators to learn the communication tricks to say what you want to say while staying professional.
Today, I’ll share 7 of the most common phrases I use after years of mistakes.
Some of the phrases seem obvious, but pay attention to the lessons on why they work and how to use them effectively.
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I highly recommend checking out this podcast episode. I share my journey from not receiving a Twitter return offer to getting promoted to Senior engineer in 2 years. We also talk about how to never stop growing, networking, and the power of curiosity.
My favorite quote:
“If you accept that there will always be room to grow, feedback will never scare you.”
1) I noticed…
We all know feedback is hard to give.
This phrase is the best way to turn giving feedback into collaborative problem-solving.
Imagine you’re working with a coworker who is leading meetings poorly. The meetings don’t have a clear agenda or outcome.
You have at least two options:
Option 1: Hey, for this meeting, can we have an agenda and clear outcome?
I don’t recommend this. It can come off as abrasive and assumptive that an agenda and clear outcome are the right solution.
Option 2: “I noticed in meetings we end up drifting in a bunch of different directions. At times it feels like we don’t have a clear end goal. Do you observe that too?”
This is much better. The person either agrees or asks more to understand the situation. You’re now aligning on a problem to solve together.
You first need to get agreement on the problem before jumping to the solution.
Once the other person agrees on the problem, they usually come up with a solution on their own. If they don’t, they ask me for ideas. At that point, I’d share the idea about an agenda and a clear outcome.
It didn’t feel like feedback to the other person. We were solving a problem together.
Here are a few more use cases:
“I noticed you have been quiet in meetings lately. Is everything ok?”
“I noticed your Slack announcements use one paragraph as the whole message. Have you considered splitting it up a bit to make the actions for each person clear?”
“I noticed you sent multiple after-hours messages recently compared to before.”
In the last one, I removed the question to show it can work without one.
Sometimes, you can pause after your observation and see if the other person jumps in. Usually, they understand what you’re getting at and it turns into a discussion.
2) Thank you for…
I say “thank you” a lot.
Why? It doesn’t get said enough!
Recently, I received a big “THANK YOU” message after a mentoring 1:1, and it instantly changed my mood.
Saying thank you more often is one of the easiest ways to build and maintain relationships.
Here’s where I say “thank you” most:
When receiving feedback, I start with, “Thank you for that feedback.”
Before and after getting help from a teammate or cross-functional stakeholder.
I say “thank you in advance” when asking for help.
After getting help, I say, “Thank you again! This was so helpful.”
Following up on a suggestion I received, saying how I implemented it and how helpful it was. I re-thank them.
“By the way, your suggestion for <x> worked perfectly. Thanks again!”
The value of the “thank you” comes back to you, especially if you do it in public. People are more inclined to continue to help you if you show appreciation and if they benefit from it—like having public kudos which builds their brand and influence.
If you want to stand out, send the kudos directly to the person’s manager. I do this when I receive standout help. This signals to the other person how much I value their help and I also do my part to ensure they get credit for it.
For more on the value of “thank you”, check this 5-minute video from Staff Engineer Alex Chiou.
3) What do you think?
I use “What do you think?” to turn a problem into a collaboration.
Here’s when I use it the most:
Real-time discussions about a design decision
“I think we could approach it this way, but I can see us hitting an edge case here. What do you think?”
Code review
“What do you think about switching <x> to <y> here so that we can get <z> benefit?”
Design doc comments
“What do you think about adding a section to cover the timeline?”
Asking for feedback about work
“Here is the email I plan to send out. What do you think?”
Other variations of this are:
“What are your thoughts?”
“What resonates most with you?”
Pro tip: Always end with your question.
❌ What do you think?
I like this one but I’m not sure about <x>
I used to do this and received negative feedback about it. It looks like you’re answering your question and don’t care about the other person’s opinion.
✅ I like this one but I’m not sure about <x>
What do you think?
Much better!
4) I agree
The easiest way to let someone’s guard down is to start with, “I agree.”
Another variation of this is, “You’re right.”
Sometimes, I get a comment on my doc that’s 90% correct and 10% wrong.
I first focus on the 90% that’s correct. Then I clarify the 10%.
✅ I agree.
There is one bit of nuance there though… <explanation>
Or
✅ Agreed on <x point>
One point of clarification on <y point> though is…
A failure mode I see is jumping at the opportunity to disagree.
For example: